For my whole life, I have valued attention and popularity to a point you probably could not understand. In order for me to accept myself I have needed approval, jealousy, and attention from everyone around me. When I made this a priority for myself I did not realize that not only would I receive attention from everyone in my life, but give all of mine to everything in my life. This is where you come into play. It is as though we made a trade. I get the popularity and you get to be in my life. Now every split second of my perfectly organized, yet anxious mess of a life I give in all of my attention to every single detail that has a possibility of going wrong.
I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong trade, but there is no way I would ever leave the crazy eights. Why can you not understand that? I have to keep secrets for people to be satisfied with who I am. Yes, I know Sue would say I am the only one who has to be satisfied, and so what if you are not popular after you tell people about, well- you know you; my OCD. But, it's you that keeps me from revealing you. I just can not risk telling people about my OCD because the eights would totally shun me, and it is already bad enough. I mean Alexis did not even invite me to go with her for the spa weekend. I can’t help but think why. What did I do? Why? Am I not pretty enough. Is it because I won’t give her a ride to school? Has she noticed me acting weird. OMG, does she know about my OCD? Who told her? Who knows? What if more people find out and all of the sudden I am a nobody who sits at lunch with nobody but their own internal problems!!!
And boom here you are again, making every moment of my life a miserable secret, that I am way too insecure to share. That’s when I remember it's not me who is so insecure. It’s you.
So, here I go trying to ignore you; trying to write a poem to overcome you. Please go away.
“
Like the rain in the nursery rhyme, go away. Though, do not come back another day.
Let my life be made of my decisions.
You keep my mind locked away; imprisoned under your control.
Let my own thoughts unfold.”
Samantha