This is not an I hate you letter... or a thank you letter. This is a letter just telling you how I
feel about you, everyday of my life.
I want you to understand my decisions, knowing that you're consistently behind every single one of them.
I’ve known you since birth, but I never realized you were there until I was older and Sue and my mom helped me. You are like my devil on one shoulder across from what I know is normal. You are there to make me give into the tendencies that I have from time to time. I grew to understand you, but still you sometimes throw me a curveball. You make me worry about my friends, you make me drive until the meter is at 3, you even make me worry about touching scissors, those are things no normal teenager should ever have going through their mind. Although you have also taught me to just live with it.
As I am figuring out how to deal with your little voice in my head telling me to do something, it’s made me so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Even when your decision makes everything worse, I know I need to just breathe and I will get through it every time. Although lately I have found that poetry gets me through a lot of my worries about you. “The scratches of the back of my neck are a reminder of you, though you have no claws. The broken pieces in my brain are also a reminder of you, though you have no strength.” That is the beginning of something that you inspired. That poem really made me think about you and how much power you have over me. I know that you will never go away, you will always be a small piece of myself in the back of my mind.
Though I can not let you rule my life, you have no strength, unless I let you. I am still figuring out how to live in harmony knowing you can pop into my head at any time, but I am slowly realizing where I stand in this relationship. I call the shots in the relationship, not you. I just need to now put that thought into action, the way you do it to me so easily.
Sincerely,
Samantha McAllister