I spend 365 days of the year, 20 hours a week, chasing walls, staring at a black line all for a roughly 60 second race. To everybody who has ever questioned my dedication to swimming I respond with the cliche answer, “so I can be a second faster than I was yesterday,” but in all actuality, I've been competing for one person only. I've been competing to one day hear my father utter the words, “I am proud of you”. Before I stand on the block or even put on my goggles, I always squeeze my hand tightly as I hold onto the little bit of hope that I promised myself I would never let go of, while at the same time I brace myself for the disappointment I face every time I peer to the end of my lane hoping to see my father's face as he waves at me. Although every time I look up, the only waves that seem to come my way are those that I create myself as I push on and swim forward.

   It’s inevitable that we eventually learn that life’s journey will lead to the loss of people including often with whom we are closest. I learned this concept younger than most under unfavorable circumstances. I have my younger brother as my daily reminder that I would not be half as strong of a person I am today nor would he if we didn't suffer the losses we have. Our parents got a divorce when we were young due to my mother's drug abuse, which then lead to her fleeing across the country. This left me with the daunting task of raising my younger brother because of my workaholic father. My father remarried which has ended in disastrous results of her continuing to walk in and out of the families lives. The only other option was my half-sister from my mother’s first marriage who became ill and moved away to her extended family. My father may not always be present in our lives but he has never “walked” out on my brother and I and for that I am forever grateful. Since day one, there has been nothing that's motivated me to do my best in school and in the pool more than the goal of making my father proud of me. I work hard at school and put in my best efforts with the desire to succeed. I would wake up every morning at 5:30am to be a better swimmer--all for my one goal I finally came to grips with is unrealistic and unreachable. The pool has become my safe place and it's where I came to the conclusion that I know the inside of those four walls better than I know my father.

   In swimming, I'm always going to get to a wall whether I get there in 30 seconds or 29 seconds--I will always have the same outcome. When it comes to me longing for my father and his admiration, it's as if i'm in a continuous pool with no wall; always trying to swim faster while hoping for a different outcome. As I have grown up I've learned that it's my brother, the pool and myself who I can forever depend on.

   Growing up and becoming more honest with myself I realize that I need to be my own motivator and achieve my goals in life for myself. Today, as I step up to the block, put my goggles on and peer down the end of the lane I see more than just a wall--I see a future full of success, happiness, forgiveness and love. I am a hardworking student and swimmer because I want to be proud of myself. My own dreams have since evolved with the hopes of one day having a family and being the parent to my children that I never had.