On my father’s birthday, two years after he passed away from colon cancer, my grandma came over to our house and brought balloons. On pieces of paper we wrote down things we would like to say to our father and attached them to the strings of the balloons, only to let them fly off and be carried by the wind to heaven. The loss of my dad has affected my family and I for the past 11 years. It has been hard not having him be here for special occasions. Two years ago, I celebrated an important event in my life, my quinceñera. A highlight of this marvelous event is the dance of the father and daughter. When they played the opening bars of “El Vals de Las Mariposas” my mother took his part. She has raised me and my autistic brother with so much courage, strength, and love that I was honored and blessed for her to have the first dance with me. Not only is she my mother but she is also my best friend.
Over the years, I’ve tried to make the death of my father more of a celebration of his life than a personal loss. To give back and help others, I am working with Hospice. This summer I have been training to lead a children's grieving group. For these children have recently lost a loved one. In preparation for my project I investigated research on how having a parent with cancer who is undergoing treatment affects a child. Studies show that there are many possible outcomes of behavior when one experiences loss at a young age. One scholarly article revealed that siblings may support one another, but the older siblings may also experience a role shift if they need to
assist more with household chores and/or assist with care of the ill parent. Additionally, a child's responsibilities in high school may make her more mature than her peers. Although the majority cope well and are unlikely to develop such problems, I also read that some children of parents affected by cancer are at risk for emotional and behavioral problems. I found that children may steal and rebel to express their feelings of sadness. According to the scholarly article “Developmental Stages, Grief, and a Child's Response to Death” by Jeffrey Lancaster, “Other outward signs of depression may be acting out, such as stealing, lying, cheating, vandalism, sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, or a suicide attempt.” An understanding I gained through reading research is that grief has no time limit. Learning that different possible behavior and emotional problems might emerge when a parent or loved one in the household experiences cancer has increased my desire to help children who are going through this process to lead them on the right path.
I want to help these children who are going through the same thing I went through to let them know that they are not alone. One of the ways I know I can help them is through music. I have found music to be therapeutic; whether it’s listening to Bach “Air on G string” or playing my bass guitar to “Burn” by Ellie Gouldings, I have used music to soothe and calm me, but to also give me energy. Using the flute, acoustic guitar, and maybe piano, I will be able to help by performing music with feeling and engaging the children with music. Through my passion for music, I hope to be able to help the children understand their emotions.
My father’s death has shaped me into to who I am. The qualities and values that I have are due to how my family and I coped with his loss and how my mother has raised me. My kind, loving, gentle, spirit has emerged from the darkest remote corner of life. But through this darkness I have found light and continue on a bright path. One of my favorite poems, “Footprints” by an unknown author, speaks about a man conversing with God as scenes from his life flash before him. He is bothered by the realization that there was only a single set of footprints in the sand during the most trying times of his life and believes that God has abandoned him, God reassures the man by revealing that it was during these trying times that God carried him. I feel this captures my own life and explains my drive to never give up.
What I’ve come to understand in coping with my loss is that life is a celebration of the qualities that bring us joy, reverence for that which has brought us sorrow and faith that with courage and determination we can flourish through any adversity.