It was midnight, January eighth, when I heard the phone ring. Immediately I knew I would have a hatred for something in my life. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, and woke up with a smile on my face. I heard my mom run down the hall, and I knew what was coming. She came in my room and broke the news. My aunt had died. The strongest person I’ve known in my life, with stage four lung cancer, stage four colon cancer, pancreatic cancer, breast cancer, and a brain tumor.
In the back of my mind I knew that not once did I see her cry when she was going through all that pain. So why should I stand there and cry when I knew in reality she didn’t have to go through all that pain anymore. My mom told me I didn’t have to go to school, but I knew I had too. For the next week after that I had to keep myself busy. It wasn’t even an option not to be, because once I thought about it I was consumed with reality, and I wasn't ready to face it. Then came January 13th, the day we had all been dreading, but the day my aunt had planned herself.
I remember a story my uncle told me the day of the funeral. He said, “Your aunt and I went to a funeral for a friend we hadn’t talked to in awhile, and there was only a few family members, and she looked up at me and said there better be a lot more people at mine.” So here was this day she had in the back of her mind since she was diagnosed, she was the planner of the family. Even on her hospital bed she planned my sisters baby shower with her three daughters. She was very meticulous when it came down to certain things. She picked out everything for her funeral: the music played, the people who spoke, the flower arrangement, everything. I was one of the lucky people that was asked to speak. The first day was the rosary, and I held in all my emotions because I knew I was my mom’s rock through this whole process. I was the only one who hadn’t broke.
The actual day of the funeral was the day I was asked to speak. I had everything together, but when I got up to speak, I looked up and saw this huge church in San Fransisco filled. Every spot in the pews was taken, and people were crammed along the sides of the church, and I knew looking up that the greatest person I had known was gone, nothing would ever be the same. There was no hiding it anymore, and right there I broke. I broke in front of all those people, and they all broke too. I was literally crying so hard my brother and cousin had to help me off the podium. I was paralyzed with the realization that my aunt was never coming back.
One month later, to the day, at five o’clock in the morning I got the call that my sister was in labor, and an hour later the greatest thing in my life was welcomed into the world. Charlotte Renee, my niece, brought hope, and joy back into my family’s lives. She reminded us that with every tragedy you have to look at the good to get over the bad. You have to look at the future, and that’s what Charlotte is. She is our future. She reminded us how amazing life is.
Cancer has been the one thing in my life that makes me realize how precious life is. My uncle has had cancer for three years, and with every month that has come with these three years, and the months to come he has gotten chemo. His body is deteriorating because poison is trying to kill the cells while his body is also fighting these cells. After three years it’s starting to have an affect on him. To see a guy full of life, and happiness to go to a guy that has sunken in eyes, and is in a depressed state all time has been one of the saddest things I’ve encountered in life.
I had always said, “I hate this.” Yet I never knew what actual hate felt like until I realized that my aunt wasn’t coming back, and how my uncle has no teeth because of cancer and chemo. I have never felt a stronger emotion than how I feel towards cancer. I’ve been told it’s not good to hate, but with the amount of pain and loss I’ve seen and gone through, I’ve already become a darker person, so the hatred is nothing more than what I’ve seen and gone through, and how it has affected me more than anything. It makes me realize how short of time we have with the people we love most. It makes me look deeper into situations, and into people, and have such an open mind.
It’s made me realize that the mystery behind people is what matters, the story behind who they are intrigues me. All the lives my aunt has touched, and the souls she has changed are what make me want this deeper connection with life. Hatred comes from the way you look at things, and I’m not positive I’ll ever look at cancer another way. To me, though, it hasn’t stopped me or unmotivated me to do anything, it has just changed me as a person. Cancer has brought my family together in a way, and for that I’m grateful, but cancer has defeated two of the happiest people I have, and taken one of them from my life. So even looking at the positive isn’t enough to cover the negative, but the tremendous battle that we have all gone through together is what amazes me. The night I heard the phone ring I knew my life was going to change, and through hatred, and love, it’s made me have a deeper mind, and a pure genuine outlook on situations.