"I'm struggling to find you who I cannot see"
Darkness surrounded Luhan, his black outline casted by faint moonlight was barely visible in the room. His hands habitually stroked an envelope that was always with him, yet he never removed it from its containment within his clothing. The envelope in his pocket gave him comfort, despite it being a mere illusion of what used to be and what could've been. His hand hung loose in his pockets as he glanced at the tall object in front of him, or more precisely, himself. Luhan had known, but didn't want to accept the fact that the image in front of him would never be warm again. He reached out to touch the polished glass as if trying to reach for himself. No matter how much he wished for it, the cold feeling emitted from the glass would never be replaced by warm, living flesh.
"I'm struggling to find you who I can't hear"
He retracted as he shook his head to rid his thoughts of things he didn't want to think about, choking up as he did. Luhan squatted on the ground with his hands pressed against his ears to block out the mute sounds that rang through his head. The nonexistent ringing vibrated through his brain as his last memory of Minseok returned.
Contrary to their usual birthdays, Minseok was called in for work. Luhan sat and stared blankly at the coffee cup in front of him. He stirred it out of boredom with no intention of drinking it. Coffee wasn't his style. He scrolled through his phone before letting out an obnoxiously loud sigh to let Minseok know of his impatience. Minseok rolled his eyes at him from behind the barista bar, but nevertheless he made a face that showed that his feelings were mutual.
Luhan let out another dramatic sigh and slouched over the mahogany table, phone in hand. This was definitely one of the most boring birthdays Luhan and Minseok have ever experienced. In past years, the two of them would go out together, whether it be to go out in the city or just to stay home and play video games. But today, due to Minseok's boss calling him in, they had to spend it in his workplace. He glanced to his left, looking out through the window, imagining the things they could've been doing instead of having to stay here. They had originally planned to go out to the city and visit an art museum that Minseok had been fantasizing about for the past month, but they had to reschedule their tickets to a different date.
Afterwards, according to their first plan, they would do the traditional "buying of the birthday cards". This part of their birthday was probably Luhan's favorite. While cards nowadays seem scarcer than a deer eating dumplings, it held a special meaning between the two of them. But mostly, it tested their so-called "twin telepathy" that seems to still be under construction. Maybe today will be the day?
Luhan finally took a sip of his coffee, choking down the bitter yet calming taste of the ground beans. Glancing at his phone screen, the clock read half past one. Minseok's shift was supposed to go for another hour or so, possibly even more due to all of the customers that have been flooding in since they arrived. He scanned the room in search for Minseok to find him serving a young couple a few tables down. He raised his hands and called him over luckily, "Waiter!"
Despite Luhan's attempt to throw him off, a genuine smile stayed on Minseok's face as he walked over. "What do you need, sir?", he said in a tone that was as sassy as Luhan's own.
"I'm going to go out and buy the card now since you have to work for a while."
Minseok frowned, "You didn't buy it yet? Our telepathy will definitely be off this time since I bought mine this morning while you were in that other store."
Luhan shrugged, "Whatever, there's always next year."
"What if...there isn't a next year?"
"What do you mean there isn't a next year, what are you, stupid?" Luhan rolled his eyes.
Without saying a word, Minseok pulled Luhan out of his seat, and made him face a body mirror that was placed as a decoration in the shop. Confused, Luhan gave Minseok a look, "What are you doing?"
Minseok pointed at the image of themselves, "Tell me what you see, Luhan."
"The selfish me who has only thought about myself"
"A...handsome and strong young man." the corners of Luhan's lips went up, "Oh, and you're there too."
Minseok shook his head, "We're both 24 this year, isn't that crazy?"
"The me who didn't know your feelings and ignored it"
Luhan didn't follow, all he felt was puzzled as to why Minseok was doing this, in public especially. He eyed around to see people staring at them as they looked at themselves in the middle of the whole shop. Honestly speaking, he wanted to get out of there fast before someone he knew saw him and his brother linking arms in the middle of a coffee shop. He loved his brother, just not that way.
"I couldn't believe myself that I have changed this much"
Minseok's frown grew, his lighthearted mood from earlier changed, "God, you're so dense sometimes, Luhan. It really pisses me off."
He started to walk off, but Luhan caught his apron before he could escape, "What's wrong? Why are you yelling at me like this? I don't even know what's going on!" Luhan found himself yelling.
Minseok shook his head, "Just go buy that stupid card or whatever."
Luhan was taken aback by his sudden snapping, "Hyung, I-"
"Forget it, just go."
Tears streamed down his face as the memories clouded his head and blurred his vision. It was his fault, wasn't it? Luhan felt that way. He wanted to go back, to take back everything. He was aware that what he said wasn't what hurt Minseok then, but what he didn't.
"Stopping the time, (I) go back to you"
He sat alone on the ground, hands glued to his ears. The ringing wouldn't stop, the images wouldn't go away. Luhan looked up at the mirror and saw a hopeless boy. He reached into his pocket and caressed the white envelope.
"Hyung..."
Luhan stalked out of the building and took a sharp left to the nearest store. Sure he was angry, a little disappointed and confused as well, but he was determined to make his brother happy again. Whenever it was their birthday, Luhan never felt like it was his, but more of Minseok's since he was the first to come out that spring day. If Luhan had made the birthday boy mad, he was going to fix it and make things right..
Inside the store was an assortment of cards, ranging from different sizes, types, and even languages. He went to the birthday section, but found nothing that caught his eye or that seemed like something Minseok would choose. Even though he was, as Minseok had said, dense, he felt that none of the cards before him were Minseok-esque enough.
But then, there it was. It was a very plain white card, with small black text in the front reading "Brother, since I couldn't give you a gift, I left you a picture of me", and on the inside was...a mirror. At first Luhan was thinking about scrapping the card, but it was too clever to leave behind. He walked out the store and called Minseok, hoping he would pick up. To his satisfaction, he actually did.
"Hello?"
"What's up?"
"Hey, I'm really sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to-"
"No, Luhan. It's my fault, I was just being dumb, forget it."
"Oh..okay."
"Anyway, why'd you call?"
"I got the card, do you think you could come out?"
"...yeah, maybe."
"If you're still working then I understand, we can just do it later-"
"It's almost 4, so no, we'll do it."
"The park, then?"
"Yeah, the usual."
But that meeting never came to be. Like Minseok said, even if it was just a joke, there would be no tomorrow. The phone call exchange was all that was shared between them; that and the white envelope in Luhan's pocket.
No, he didn't want to remember. He didn't want to relive the worst moment in his life. Sure, maybe he shouldn't be having a breakdown, but Minseok was his one and only brother, a twin at that. Losing a family member, a loved one...death was cruel. Luhan reached into his pocket, and finally pulled out the white envelope that had been given to him the day he went to the hospital and heard the news. Months later, him and his parents were still grieving over the death of Minseok, which was left unknown to him from not wanting to know how he died. The last image he remembered of Minseok was in a coffin, his skin paler than usual and eyes closed.
"I'm struggling to find you who I cannot see"
Luhan opened his eyes, attempting to erase the image of his deceased brother, but it will never be forgotten. Looking into a mirror pained Luhan more than anything, because he and Xiumin looked alike. Maybe he was a bit taller and more handsome in his opinion, but the resemblance still remained and he hated it. His own imaged remind him of someone who died, and this would stay with him for the rest of his life. The only thing is that the image is just an image, and that image isn't of the one who he truly wanted to see.
He looked at the unopened white card in his hands, and slowly ripped the seams that Minseok had probably carefully put together the morning he bought it. Luhan choked back a sob, it had happened, their telepathy had worked for the first and last time. Luhan's fingers traced along Minseok's handwriting, and read it allowed to himself, stuttering and crying as he did.
"Found you.”